Captain's Journal 002 - A Last Word On Psychology

Recording has begun.

Tomorrow's the big day. I suppose I should elaborate, should this journal ever really need to remind me of anything - the day of my Psychological Evaluation.

A sigh is heard.

I suppose I'd say I've been worried. Yeah, that sounds about right... Why? I couldn't tell you. Maybe I really believed I'd hit the wall for a while. Maybe I did hit the wall for a while.

Laughter is heard.

I don't think that's beyond belief. Command's been overloading me with paperwork, and they haven't lessened their expectations of my operations in the Matrix. I guess that's for the best, anyhow. I would complain if they started telling me to stay out of the Matrix to focus on paperwork. Maybe that would've broken me more. Yeah, come to think of it, it probably would have.

Quiet laughter is heard.

Anyway... I guess I did have a bit of a mental breakdown. Albeit a quiet one. I made a few quick decisions, but now that I've thought about it, I don't think they were uncalled for. What I think they'll really be worried about is the way I doubted my direction with Zion. And I make no mistake that they've heard about that. But it's not as if I've tried to hide it.

I do my best to be an honest man - I won't pretend that I didn't have my doubts.

But it's funny, really. I've always believed that by doubting, by challenging one's own faith, that if it survives the doubt, then it becomes that much stronger, that much more a part of the one who challenges it to begin with. After all, you've got to have a lot of faith to call it into question to begin with, don't you? And when it survives, well, I guess there's at least a good number of questions out there which you've got answers to.

An almost inaudible chuckle can be heard. (Sound Technician review pending)

I amused myself today. Probably something I shouldn't aim to do before a Psychological review, but I did it anyway.

I said "Zion needs me."

Following another quick laugh, a sigh is heard.

If I'm pending review, I suppose that's hardly my call to make. But I guess it was at that point that I realized that I'd overcome my doubts, made my decisions, and had come to realize that I'd done things correctly. That through it all, perhaps the fact that they'd been pushing me so hard proved that I was an asset.

Until a week or two ago, I'd been hoping for discharge from active duty, retirement to an intelligence position within Command or something. Now...

I can't do it. I won't. I pray that they'll find me fit for active duty and leave me my ship. Because otherwise...

There is a slight pause before speaking resumes.

Reposco approached me yesterday. He'd read one of the transmissions I'd made to Data Node One during the breakdown period, where I was basically begging for reassignment. I told him about the situation - the pending evaluation, as I said, I'm quite honest about most things. And this is hardly anything highly classified.

He's a nice guy, you know. Wished me luck and told me that if was found insane by Zion, E Pluribus Neo would probably think otherwise.

Laughter is heard.

I didn't know what to think about that at the immediate moment, but it was a nice offer, really. EPN's just not my cup of tea. Never have been, ever since their inception. Zeissman had approached me with a similar offer far earlier in his career. The both of them are fantastic individuals, truly dedicated to their cause.

It's a shame they didn't stay with us.

And here I am talking about "us" and "we" referring to Zion. And while I may be speaking in a rather roundabout fashion, likely another thing which isn't too good to do before a major Psychological evaluation, I've come to realize that I consider myself a part of Zion.

Crisis of faith over? I'd like to believe so, but I suppose that's ultimately in the hands of my Psychologists.

Here's to you, Saltpillar, there will be no looking back.

Recording has finished.