Captain's Journal 001 - Psychology

I found out a couple of days ago that Command was pulling me in for a Psych Eval, and I hadn’t jacked-in until today. I suppose that was for the best anyway. On both accounts, I mean. I realized that I’d had a small mental break of some kind when I decided to part ways with the Kings, and Command’s still been stacking paperwork in front of me.

I mean, I suppose they must have taken it as a sign to see me completely discharge my crew, rename the ship, and take off, right? It was a sudden decision, I guess. And sudden decisions get the attention of Psychologists.

Maybe they’ll write it off as some sort of midlife crisis, hah. They couldn’t have upped the life expectancy of a Zion Operative so soon after the Truce, anyway, so I’d guess 22 is as good an age for a “midlife” as any.

But to be honest, I’m not so certain I completely understand it myself. There are points and issues I remind myself of which give me enough of a picture to rationalize the decision a bit. I mean, there was a time when we were right on the same wavelength. I couldn’t have been in a better situation, and, of course, I celebrate my long-standing relationship with the Kings. I remain very good friends with all of them, and they are a fine bunch of people.

But at some point, I think we split off in direction. The Kings became a little too independent for me. And that Morpheus sim… Well, I think it exposed a direction I’d never seen in them before. A direction I didn’t believe in. And as much as I wanted to stay, it was something I just couldn’t do. I refuse to fight for a cause I don’t believe in, and that’s what it had become.

So I guess I’ll have to explain that whole thing to Command. Maybe they’ll understand that explanation. Maybe I ought to omit that little bit about not completely understanding it. That might make me sound a bit crazier than I am.

It sure as hell hasn’t helped any that I’ve had to keep up with the paperwork they send me, though. They’re all such stupid questions, too. And the important ones… Well, I’m starting to believe that they don’t even listen to what I have to say. If they do listen, it remains to be seen.
They lightened up the load a bit after I finally quit putting it off, which, in hindsight, I realize was a sign that they’d be calling me in sometime soon. But it has been a bit of a relief. I have a little more time to myself, to think, to reflect, to make sense of things, and even for a little R&R in the Matrix apart from my operations.

That’s about all for today, I guess. We’ll just have to see where this all ends up, and I’ll be crossing my fingers for a positive verdict. And if it’s not? Well, I’ll have to see where my ship takes me, then…